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Sarah Galvin

'Birdnesting' - Is this parenting for you?

With increasing references to “birdnesting” arrangements for separated parents out there in the media, increased awareness leads to increased questions from separating parents about this parenting arrangement.


We thought it would be a good chance to look at what it is, and a few things to think about if you are considering it.

In the immediate aftermath of the end of a relationship, the emotional and logistical task of separating can be enormous. After parents separate, practical questions arise regarding who remains in the house, who is taking care of the kids and when. This can be a tough time for children and parents as well.


There are many different variations as to how the children will be cared for by their parents after separation. The emergence of “birdnesting” as an option could be one such arrangement.

We explore some of the issues to think about when contemplating this arrangement.


What is birdnesting?


After parents separate, the children remain living in the former matrimonial home on a full time basis. The parents then move in and out of the home on an alternating basis, thereby taking turns taking care of the children in the home.

Potential benefits


One of the purported benefits is stability and consistency for the children.


Remaining in the same home means the children can continue in their current routines, live in the same home, attend the same school, go to the same activities etc. This consistency of routine can provide some stability for children during an otherwise potentially difficult period. It allows children to adjust to the changed circumstance that their parents are no longer together. As the household remains the same, there isn’t the same significant upheaval with one party moving out of the family home entirely, or the property being sold.


For some couples, it’s an option for them whilst they are figuring out the future post-separation. For others it could last for a much longer period.


Potential problems


There are several issues with this model which make it unsuitable for many couples.


When is separating not actually separating?


If you have separated, then chances are, one or both parents decided that they don’t want to live together with the other parent. Birdnesting requires that they must continue to run at least one, if not two or three, households together. This requires a high level of interaction between former spouses or partner to ensure the home runs smoothly.


This isn’t for everyone. It might not even be possible where parents have been arguing or there has been domestic violence or abuse. Forcing parents to manage a household (or two) together could potentially lead to the children being exposed to conflict between the parents.


Birdnesting not only demands ex partners to be tied by the household and to your former partner, but you are likely to have to continue in a financial relationship with them as well. This can cause friction if one parents wants to move on with their life financially, or with a new partner.


Multiple Households


Birdnesting requires one parent to live elsewhere when not caring for the children, therefore it requires the parents to have a second home for one parent to go and live in when they are not at the former matrimonial home. It requires a very high level of cooperation between parents to smoothly run not only one but two households together. There is going to be continued sharing of a space with an ex partner. There will also be a financial tie to a former partner.


Alternatively, parents might stay with family or friends in a spare room or on a couch when not caring for the children. While this is a low cost option, it might not be a long term option either for the parent or for the family or friend where they are staying.


If the second abode for one parent is a family or friend’s place, then it might not be possible for both parents to go and stay there in the off week, therefore, each parent then has to have a second abode for the time when they aren’t caring for the children at the home.


Cost may also be another important consideration.


The outcome


Families can be very different, what will work for one family might not work for another. Birdnesting might be a good option for some couples, but it’s not always a suitable option for everyone.


Additionally, while it might be a good short term solution, there are issues about how sustainable this could be in the long term for some couples who seek to be separated from the other parent.


Want to talk it through?


To discuss this and other options for separating parents to make arrangements for the care of their children, contact us for a free telephone call or to book an Initial Consultation.

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